The Sunken Glass

5:57am: Hmmm.........
Well, Tis friday morning, almost time to leave work. Been interesting the last few weeks. Made several decisions about where some things are going. Watched others struggle to make simular decisions. I've concluded that I'm tired of the opinions of others. They are still free to express them of course, I just don't intend to listen all that carefully. There are a few who still matter to me, but the majority are clueless to start with and feel so compelled to comment on what little they know it get to be laughable. Only those who intentionally set out to hurt those I care for are really going to get any attention and I don't care what voices they create to hide behind. I know them and will enjoy every second of them getting what is comming to them.
I've decided to concentrate on those I feel responsible for or just truly care for. I've spent many years spreading myself as thin as I could to cover as many as possible and it's just not worth it. I'm now concentrating on the primary four. I have 2 daughters doing well and will continue to help when needed. The work hard to do for themselves so I don't mind helping when they need it. There is the future Mrs. Me and she also has my concerns and cares. And finally, for the first time in many years, There is Me.
Oh, I may help the occasional person who is trying but I will not help anyone who lays around and cries poor me. I started working at the age of 9 and have missed very little in 33 years since unless put out by health issues. I will not abide those to lazy to try, to lazy to care, to lazy to contribute constructivly. If you won't help yourself, don't look to me to do it for you.
On the brighter side of things, My girls are doing well, one has started Military School and doing fine, the other is working hard at the job and makeing a home for herself. I'm doing well, lost a bit of weight, firmed up a bit of muscle, reactivated the brain. Even got around to constructing my web sights again. Now deciding how fancy to get. Emotionally I'm better than I have been in years. With daughters who care and let me care as well as someone who loves me just because and accepts my love in return, not alot to complain about.
Anyway, I'm back from my journal vacation. Hoping some at least are glad to see me. Be safe, be happy, be well.

6:43pm: Life changes, people move on. I'd like to say goodbye to those who care. It has become obvious to me that this journal was never much more than an outlet, and perhaps a small way to chronical things to keep them organized. Well, letting it out just don't help and I'm finding less reason to want to remember what, when, where or how. Life was simpler when I kept it all in, stayed folded in the security of my room and let the world just pass by seeing nothing more than a locked door.

9:00pm: Can you miss someone you have never met?
Stuck in the middle. What to do? Losing a friend I've hardly met, worry about daughters I dearly care for. I know it's said that boys mature slower than girls but some of them never seem to grow up. One of the hardest things to learn is responsibility. Most girls accept that by the late teens. Sure, some slip and slide a bit getting there but compared to boys it's amazing how fast they do.
Boys really seem to have a problem with taking charge of their lives. Spend way to much time complaining that things go wrong but just not doing anything about them. And then some just run and hide. They build walls to hide behind and then cry because they are so alone and no one likes them. Hell, most of them are not really that bad. They just need to come out of hiding and take a little responsiblity for themselves.
Throw away the masks and macho bullshit and just be real for a change. Stop with the little boy rutine and be the man they can be and most are decent human beings. It has always bothered me to see intelligent young men acting like little children afraid to admit they have done wrong. Then blowing things so out of proportion to cover it up that they don't seem to care who gets hurt along the way.
I truly cringe every time my daughter mentions having feelings for someone like that. Though I always hope the guy will eventually grow out of it. I'd rather not have to watch as my daughter gets caught in the blast when things fall apart. Thank goodness she has a decent head on her shoulders. I trust her judgement but it's always hard to watch a bomb expert defuse a bomb without worrying it might blow anyway. No matter how skilled you know they are.
And then there is the friend I hardly know and have never met that is dealing with her share of male stupidity. I miss her even though I hardly knew her. Life is strange.
Ah well. Life goes on too. Perhaps the future holds a place where boys will be men and think about what they do and how it affects others. Time will tell.
Be safe, Be happy, and apparently.....be patient.

9:03pm: It's just frustrating. Wanting to express things and knowing someone is hanging around waiting for something to jump on. It really bothers me that some people can't accept that there is more than one side to things or more than one way of thinking. I know there are lots of things I don't agree with but I try to understand even if I don't agree.
I also try to think ahead. Reacting to something now might have huge effects on the future of myself and those I care about. Don't get me wrong, I know my place in the world order and it's a very small one. But in my little corner of that world I seem to be the center character and those around me play rahter large parts. I look to a future that has them happy and healthy. That is not such a bad thing.
And then there is the part of me that wants to just lash back. I'm glad that is at least still under my control. Anyway, I know that this journal has lost alot of it's appeal. To those who ruined it thanks, you get what you want.

8:46pm: Frustration
I started this journal as a place to let off a little steam and give me a forum for communication with friends I've known for years and those I have yet to meet. A place where I could just express me. That was taken from me and I want it back. A part of me had hoped those same friends would stand up for me and it hurt when they did not. I hoped an understanding could be reached, that those involved would be mature enough to back up and look at what was happening. They won't.
And now, once again, I am about to do what needs to be done. I'm sure at some point I'll again hear the chours of how rotten I am. Questioned about why I ..... never mind. Was nice knowing most of you.

11:38am: No Way.
Well, I'm back. I've taken a lesson from someone who means the world to me. Time to stand up for myself a bit. I retreated, turned out the light and sat and thought. I went thru angry, sad, mad, feeling vengeful, crying at the cruelties of life, denial, sorrow. The list goes on but I won't bore you further. Suffice it to say I've had enough of it. I chose to go out on a limb for someone and not surprisingly, the limb broke and I took the fall.
I've had time to dust myself off and found the damage is superficial. There are others in far worse pain than I at this point. I wish them well and still offer my help as needed. I just won't lie here and play dead any longer. I will not let someone else's immaturity rule my life. To some I suggest looking before leaping. Maybe you don't know all that is happening. Maybe you should just listen to those dear to you. Sometimes when they say they can handle it, they really can. After all, they know much more about their situation that you do.
To others I forward a message of love and concern let them know I'm still here. I've only done as asked so far but I'm not ready to just fade out. I have a life too. I want you in it, I've let you set most of the terms, but it's still my life and I'm going on with it. Just as you go on with yours. I hope our paths remain close and that is up to you. You know the direction I'm going, you helped point me there. You are wanted near regardless of who walks on the otherside of you. It's up to you.
To those who are lost, well, sorry, can't spill all. Just bear with me as I reset. I know I don't want to be blasting away half cocked. That is the reason for the absence the last few days. And there may be a few more before I'm back to the old me. But there is no way I will just fold up and slip thru the cracks. I've done what was done for another and though I've learned why so many would rather just not help those in need. I know I'll do it again if asked.
Though difficult to bear, honesty is often the best load to carry.
Be Safe, Be Happy!

3:45am: Check and Mate.
Well, what's to be said? So many things waiting to pour out. Not much worth the effort. It would seem the truth is out. No good deed shall go unpunished. And so now I sit and wonder. What course shall be taken? Will I be left to the hazards? Will the troops rally in my defence? Should I simply fade back into the darkness to only see the light of day when others feel I've suffered enough? I've no desire to wag the dog. I feel let down.
There are those that feel omens should be ignored, other suggest at least considering them, and if they begin to pile on, then act. Well, omens galor, time to react. End game.

10:26pm: Suprise!!!
I know it's not usual, but I'm feeling like a weekend post. Tis Saturday night and I just feel like writing. Been an interesting weekend. Emotions run high. Tempers run short. Things said and done on impulse that are regreted once hind sight sets in.
But how can you undo what was done? What change can you make that does not affect a thousand other things that you do not want changed? Hopefully someone learns and avoids the mistake next time. And hopefully those directly affected accept apologies and move on. Life is hard enough without carrying alot of past baggage.
Greetch!! Enough! I'm in a happy mood!

Had the most wonderful evening yesterday. Spent with my Sweetsa and daughters. Only thing better would have been fewer interruptions but but time will come. Daughters are lovely people but ..... I really do love them and want to spend time with them. So often though it seems they are busy when I'm available, and vice versa. How come I always catch the guff though. They think nothing of me when they have other things to do. Yet if I have other things, well.....
Anywho, I did enjoy 99% of last night. And with luck I get to see her again tomorrow. But as always it's up to her. I sit and wait for someone to inform me of scheduals. Hoping not to be forgotten along the way.

As shadows of doubt dance thru my memories,
And visions of possibilities invade my dreams,
I leave a past I cannot change, and will not regret.

Well, enough for tonight. A new day will dawn and with luck, new attitudes. There is always a chance these might not be so difficult to deal with.
Be safe, Be happy.

11:19pm: Shhhh....Huh?
Oy, my head hurts. For some reason, prolly stress, my head exploded last night. It still throbs and the only respite, despite medication, was time spent with my two favorite women. Just one hug and I felt so much better. 10 minutes with them and I felt fine. But soon as I got home. Bam! there it went again.
Oh well. pain is all in the head anyway. On to better things. Hmmm, better than my 2 favorite women? Not possible! So lets try different things. I know, I have a rant on train tracks. I lived for many years near active train tracks. Six or Seven times a day a train went thru. Six or Seven times a year, someone playing chicken with a train would lose. I remember Dad sitting astradle the tracks 'pretending' the truck was stalled as the train raced nearer. Always at the last minute he would get it started and move just in time. I never did understand that game.
Another past time of some of the guys was to deflate the tires and drive the tracks. We won't discuss the outcome of most of that. Now on the other hand, I have 13 cousins because my aunt and uncle lived near the tracks and they had about a half hour every morning between the time the train went thru and time to get up for the day. Seems they found something interesting to do to fill the time.
Hmmm, now for some metaphorical tracks. I have a friend, (don't laugh, I do have one or two.), I've known her for 23 years? During that time she has had 4 husbands, 3 kids, several step kids. Anyway, she keep picking the same time of guy. She likes redneck player types. Then gets upset because they get drunk or high and get mean. Well, If you don't like that, don't keep going back. Her current husband parked his truck in the living room several months ago. I figured that was the end of him. But nope, she gets in touch with me recently to tell me she is 'working things out'. Seems he went for help and they found out that when he drinks or uses drugs he gets mean. So you see, it's not really his fault, it's this condition. So now that they know, he will do his best to avoid the booze and drugs. Um....yea, right. Anyway, she got rather upset with me for telling her she was being stupid. I had to inform her that despite our years of friendship, I couldn't feel sorry for anyone who sits on the tracks complaining that they can't control the train. I think that after a few time's of being run over, I'd just get off the tracks. Guess I'm just not all that bright after all.
Why stick with a relationship that is not working. Kids? Well, we will sacrifice alot for kids. But you don't endanger kids and claim it's good for them. But I love him/her, Maybe you love a part of them but unless you are a truly into being abused I'd say you need to rethink. And something like this does not just come out of no where, it was there all along. If you don't like drunks, don't go to bars looking for partners. I sure hope my daughters are smarter than all this. They may find some strange companions but so far they seem to know when enough is enough.
Hmm, daughters, I say something good, they prove me wrong. I say something bad, they prove me wrong. Decisions, so I say good and cringe as they set out to disprove me? Do I say something bad so they do good to disprove me and hate me? Or....Just sit back, don't say nuttin, get accused of ignoring them as they tell me one story after another and just wait for the truth to catch up to them and do my best to be there when needed? Hmm, head really hurts, enough for now.
Be safe, Be happy.

5:59am: So much to say.
I feel like a Dam. Standing. Holding. Let just the right amount past. Knowing the whole while it only takes on little crack and ...
Well not to day. I can hold on one more day. I'm told what I want to hear so often that I'm not sure I can even trust my ears anymore. I remember a time when that happened before. Funny I remember alot. hmm, perhaps now I just remember what I want to. How I want it to be remembered.
Anyone remember why I'm even here?
Be safe, be happy, be ....... yea. ok.

12:49am: Hello
You may notice this is shorter. Went back and cleaned it up a bit. Hope all is well. Be safe, be happy.

3:49am: Short and Sweet
It has recently come to my attention that I'm writing to much here so will back off a bit. Most likely just till the mood strikes me again but hey, Like I've been told, I talk alot and say little. For those that look forward to an email from me, nothing personal but my server is down so it's not that I forgot or didn't feel like it. Just that I am unable at this time. Hopefully that will be back up by tomorrow.
I also recently realized I sort of look for some comments to what I have to say and that don't seem to happen often so that may be what has me reconsidering why I write. I never was much for monologs to myself. I like to at least think someone is listening when I talk to myself. Not much has changed, rough weekend, seems little went as planned and now I look forward to a few weeks of just getting by.
Had big plans for the 4th, decided to work it instead. Actully had alot of plans that I have to put off for extended periods of time. Will probably just spend the next few weeks trying to iron bugs out of the computer systems I have at home. Have one that has set for a month not working at all and have not even opened it up to see why.
Anyway, to those I love, "I love you!", To those I miss, "I miss you". To all of you, Be safe, be happy, be well.

5:11am: PHASE THREE
Where do I fit in? Am I part of the grander scheme or do I exist just to please myself? I have pretty much determined, based on outside input, that I am not the center of the universe. Ok, I accept that. But where do I fit? I look around and find that people do just fine without me. Some may float along, some storm along, but they do ok. What does my existance bring to things? If I never existed, what would change?
Well, some would say that obviously if I were not here, none of my children would be either. I wonder. Depending on your beliefs, if I were not here, they would still be, just not as my children but as the children of otheres. Following the most religious beliefs, God created their souls so what difference did I make? My part in influencing their upbringing? One daughter hardly knew me till she was 14. The other has been around me since birth. They are not that much different. Sure, little differeces, but general attitudes and outlooks are the same.
And I find it hard to believe my influence does much. I and 2 brothers were raised by the same parents since birth and we are as disalike as you can get. Attitudes, behaviors, all different. So what makes the difference? Certainly not me. If I never was, would my brothers be different people? Would my daughters be that much different than they are? I'm sure they would like to think they might have gotten lucky and had parents with money, or parents that ignored them and let them do as they pleased when they pleased. But would they have different attitudes? Different outlooks on life?
And if I am just here for my own enjoyment, what happened? Why has it taken me so long to find the me I am now? All the ruckus I created when young means nothing now. I find the most pleasure in the simplist things. I caught myself being very happy for about 15 minutes tonight as I stood and talked to some frogs and bugs on a bush outside. Only regrets were that I didn't have someone there to share with. ( I was alone, that's why I talked to them. And don't worry to much, they didn't answer. They just went on about their business like I was not even there. )
Is it my place to temporarily fill voids in others lives? Be an extra filling in the back ground? Maybe I'm the guy that comes in second so there can be a first instead of an only. The one that makes the leading man look just that much better because now there is something to compare him to. I'm the one that fills the empty seats on the carosel so it's not lopsided. Just the bottom run on the ladder so you can reach the second. I don't know. I'm just the consumer so they have someone to sell to. What am I here for?
I know what I want, but none of that. Make me work and wait and dream and strive and hope for every little thing. I know the common thought is you appreciate it more if you work for it. But I can tell you for sure that I would enjoy a million dollar lotto prize a hell of a lot more than that little bit left after working all week and paying bills. None of it really makes sence. Sometimes it's only my curiosity that keeps me around.
END PHASE THREE

12:43am: Bells and Whistles
Hmmm, I've been doing some reflecting on relationships and thought I would try to put this down. Sweetsa, make sure you read all this befor you get to excited.
As I think back over the years, all the relationships I've had. I noticed a couple things. The one that sticks out the most is the bells and whistles. I remember getting into dating and each girl I met set off bells and whitles. Some good, some bad. But it was the good ones that attracted me. And they always followed a pretty set path, timing was different for each but the course was the same.
The relationships started much like walking into a store and having the confettie fly, ballons all over, bells and whistles, people congradulating you on being 'the one' who won. And each date set off more bells, more whitles, more confetti flew. But inbetween you craved the next celebration. And each time the bells and whitles seemed to fade a bit. Then suddenly there was someone new and it would start all over again. Sometimes things would last a few weeks, maybe months, sometimes only days.
I remember spending alot of time trying to recapture those initial celebrations. And alot of time feeling like the one left to clean up the mess. Generally relationship would fail before the next started but there were times when I really stressed over which relationship to pursue. Not wanting to hurt anyone but knowing this or that was just not right. I even got very good at letting them decide. Throwing a few monkey wrenches in the gears when they were not looking and suddenly they dump me. I'd play hurt but already making plans to head in a different direction. Not always mind you but a majority of the time. The only good thing to come out of all that wasted time was a daughter I love dearly. I would not change a thing if it ment losing her.
I didn't realize it then, took many years to work things out. And even more to understand them. But I finally realized it was not the bells and whistles I was wanting. They proved an interesting diversion, but the time inbetween left me feeling empty and alone. Then one day I met someone. No bells, no whitles. No celebration. Just a sudden feeling of completeness. And the time spent apart was consumed with a desire to just be with them. Not to do with them, not to go with them. But just to have her there. That relationship lasted 12 years and produced another wonderful daughter. Even 5 years later I still feel better knowing she is still around somewhere though the feeling of completeness left just before she did.
During the last 5 years I've been distracted by a few bells and whistles, noting serious enough to bother heading to the celebration but passing fancies I guess you could say. And it was during this time that I started paying attention to what was happening to others and their relationships. I see a pattern out there that matches mine. So many distracted bye those bells. I hope eventually they find that sence of completeness. I was lucky enough to recently find it again.
I'm sorry Sweetsa, no bells, no whitles, just the feeling from the moment I looked in your eyes. It was almost like that feeling after a long trip of walking in the door and sighing "I'm Home!". When we are apart I don't dwell on what we will do next time we are together, or how much confetti will fly, I just look forward to having you near again. We may set off bells and whitles occasionally but all that time spent between the celebrations is even more fulfilling. Just to be near, to hold and know someone has filled that emptyness. That is what it is all about. That is what people need to be looking for. I'm so glad I found it again in you Sweetsa. I hope you feel the same. Lord knows I have few bells and whitles to attract anyone anyway but you are here. And as long as you are here I feel complete. When gone, there is the just the longing for your return.
So just as a piece of advice, I know we all like the bells and whitles but for true happiness, look past the them, watch for that feeling of completeness, you will know it when it hits.

5:27am: PHASE TWO
Now lets look at some positives. Since I preach that, lets try to practice it. Positive 1, Children, I have 2 daughters, both fairly bright young ladies, each has talents, each developing fairly decent personalities. Both pretty and healthy. I love both of them very much but in very different ways. One don't spend much time around me. She is always off with fiends, going here or there. She still comes back to daddy on occasion, usually out of jelousy or bordom but it happens. The other claims to love to be around me. We work on projects, share knowledge, have deep discussions. I don't love one more than the other, I spend what time I can with each, just one is more accessable. I consider myself a lucky father. I can't count the number of times my daughters have spent a friday or saturday night out with dad. Not because it's demanded or expected, because they want to.
Positive 2, Partners, I spent 12 years with someone so special that 5 years after the split, we still get along great, better now than when we were married. And now a new lady is in my life. She does wonders for me. And she has few issues with my daughters, they have few issues with her. Only real issues seem to revolve around sharing me. And they do well with that. Most of the time.
In the case of my ex, I knew the first time I looked in her eyes we would have a future together, 17 years so far. Leads me to trust that feeling. Well, It happened again and this time stronger than befor by a long shot. Also, this time the feeling seems to be mutual. I see a much more lasting future this time. I consider myself a lucky man to have had one such woman in my life, let alone finding a second. Also consider that I was 24 when I met the first, and have been split from her for 5 years before finding my Sweetsa. No matter how I look at it. I can't see any way I have jumped without looking, or grabbed what I could get. I think that is a positive.
Positive 3, Job, I have one. Seems to be a stable one. May not be all I want, but pay is ok, benifits good, Hours acceptable, co-workers tolerable. Management can be a bit flakey but since I work nights I don't see them unless I mess up. Have not seen them in months.
Pos...ok, lets not push it.
END PHASE TWO

1:08am: PHASE ONE
Patterns, Life is full of patterns, I find I like some patterens, others just need to be stopped. I tend to read a few jounal entries from friends befor I add to this. That is one that has to stop. Not sure I can though. Maybe stop the pattern of caring. Ever have a really good friend and one day stumble on a list of thier friends and you are not on it? Or be a part of helping someone, sometimes even a major part, and when they say thanks, it's not directed to you? They always have a good cover, 'Oh, well everyone knows you are my best friend.", or "You know how much I appreciate your help. I didn't realize you needed special thanks.". Sorry, not special, but some would be nice.
That's a pattern that follows me to work too. I solve a problem and I'm just doing my job. Then someone else takes or is given credit for it and they get the raise or promotion and I'm still here. Ready and stupid enough to do it all again. I'm tired of watching so many walk on my coat tails and leave me in the dust. But if I say anything, I'm the one with the attitude problem, I'm the one that needs to learn to be a team player. I just don't get it.
I'm not even safe from the pattern at home. I'm an ass for being right. I'm at fault for having the answer. You slam a door and that's fine, you have the right. I slam a door and it's "What's your problem?!?". They get jelous and it's understandable. I show a little jelous and it's "Time you grew up!", or "What is the matter with you?!?". What is the matter? I'm human. That's what is the matter. I have a few feelings too ya know. I'd occasionally like someone to let me know I've done good. I sure spend enough time supporting them. Backing their decisions. Praising the good work. I occasionally do good work. I've been known to bend over backwards to help someone else on occasion.
And lets not forget mistakes, I've made a few of those too. But mine are always treated like a life and death issue. Gee, sorry I said that wrong. Sorry I misunderstood. Sorry I even tried. Yet I'm still the one running around trying to smooth things over for others. Trying to put things into perspective. It's ok you broke that, It can be fixed, replaced. Don't worry about it dear, I'll fix it. It's not that bad, we can work with it. It'll be alright. No problem, it was just mine, didn't mean anything anyway.
Oh, and the do for me thing. I'll get you this or that while I'm up. I'll stop what I'm doing to help you with whatever. But should I ask it's "I'm not your slave.", "I have a life too you know!", or "People get paid to do this!". Well excuse me. Didn't mean to intrude. I'll learn to take care of myself. So eventually they just leave me alone. Somewhere they turn "I like it when you are here." to "Fine! I'll leave if that is what you want!". What I want? What I want seldom seems to matter anymore unless it matches what they want. Get a life? I've got one thank you. I just want a little respect for what I do, what I feel, what I think.
END PHASE ONE

12:33am: For Sweetsa
I sit and wait,
For my shift to end.
Watching time crawl,
Till I see you again.

Day after day,
A few minutes at a time.
A small part of your day,
Is shared with mine.

I look to the future,
To that wonderful day.
When together at last,
Is how we will stay.

No need for the Internet,
No miles between.
Just you in my arms,
All real, no dream.

I’ll be yours to hold,
You mine to Kiss.
Us being together,
Is all that I wish.

12:30am: Pictures
I'm sitting here at work looking at the pictures on my desktop. I see lots of smiles. Some with shining eyes and you can almost believe that at least at that moment, the smiles are genuine. I take each picture and wonder what was really going on. Even the few that I am in, I wonder. What was really there. I'm only in two, (not much for looking at myself), and remember that point in time. I see the smile for my daughters. At that moment it was genuine, I was happy to be with them, proud to be their father. I see a picture of me with my love, again at that moment there was genuine happyness in my smile. But what was behind it? What is always hiding behind the smiles? Insecurity, loss, frustration, longing, self doubt?
Always a fear just waiting for someone to play on. We open ourselves to those we love and wait for them to pick thier targets and shoot us down again. I've stopped fighting it. I can't stop loving, caring, wanting to be with those I love and care for. So I've stopped trying to fight back. I stand and take what they throw as best I can. I admit some hurt, alot. But all I can do is stand and take it. Always hoping that somehow it helps and as long as I don't throw back we will soon be back to a smile for awhile.
I used to wonder why those we care for the most and do the most for are the most likely to hurt us. I think I've finally got that figured. Most people in this world think that if they are nice to you, help you, that you owe them something. That at some point, you will have to repay that kindness, and probably with interest. And those that are kind often run into a situation where that kindness is then expeceted again and again, and by others that may know of it.
I once worked with a girl that ran on hard times, we had been friends for a few years and I happened to be in a position to help. She needed cash, I had it and didn't have a plan for it so I gave it to her. Notice the 'gave' part. Now if at some point she was in a position to pay it back I would have accepted, knowing how that can weigh on someones mind if they let it. But from the moment I decided to give it to her. I had written it off. It was a gift, a way to help. And the only thing I expected was the feeling of knowing I had done something nice. She fretted and worried over that despite my continued insistance that it was not ment to be paid back. It finally reached the point that it seemed that was all there was to our friendship. She eventually drifted away because it was easier than facing what she felt was a debt. I no longer felt nice about being nice, I regretted ever helping.
Another incident was in a resturant. I over heard a waitress talking to a co-worker. Seemed she was in a bind for Christmas. Money was tight and she had a family. Again I was in a position to be nice and figured there would be no strings to worry about here. I overtipped like you wouldn't believe. I was gone before she noticed so I figured I would be safe. I'd have the feeling of being nice, she had some of the cash she needed. We would probably never see each other again and all would be well this time.
Well, next time in the resturant I tipped normally, didn't even think twice. After that it was just strange, I'd get ignored, drinks not refilled, attitude from the time I walked in. After several visits and the same response I mentioned this to a friend who worked in the kitchen. I was told that since I didn't tip the others as I had her, they felt slighted. Seems she was so happy about that tip she told them all who had done it. I have not been back since.
Those instances were annoying, but didn't really hurt because they were distant from me. When you get treated like that with someone you really care for, it hurts, alot. It always starts innocent enough. But slowly escalates till you are tested and retested till somewhere you fail. And once you fail they walk away. Often wondering where you did fail. Sometimes finding you didn't fail but someone else who ment more to them than you did. And that was enough of an excuse for them.
I do know I'll never stop. I like to help, I do what I can, when I can. And I don't run anymore. I stay put, hoping they come back. Hope they someday realize I'm not that bad a person. That what was done was only ment to help. I put on a smile, move on with my life, but I'm here for the next time I can help. I do have a few reasons to smile but the loss of each one hurts more each time.

I walk my mantle,
Shedding tears and smiles.
My heart racing and breaking,
With each step along the tile.

I greive losses,
Snuff dreams of the past.
Look for a future,
A smile that will last.

Spring becomes Summer,
Summer to Fall.
The circle complets,
And we repeat it all.

Scraps of verse,
Words metered and rhymed.
I write to vent,
Seems I've wasted your time.

And probably wasted mine as well but what the hell. I've nothing better to do. Right?

5:27am: Why?
I've had something on my mind all night. Several recent events have hit several friends and family in strange ways. There have been a couple deaths, One very close to home and one not directly related but still close enough to matter deeply to some. Also some legal situations that are just rather annoying and health issues. The usual I guess. What I'm wrestling with is how these things affect us. Some roll with the punches. Feel the pain but deal and move on. Some are hit hard, Pull it together and move on. And some seem to feel the world sucks, nothing is ever right, all is worthless.
What I have found most curious is that it seems those with the most reason to move on, the best prospects, are the ones most ready to condem all. Those who are in the hardest spots are the ones who deal and move on. I'm not sure I can understand this. And worse, I don't know what to do to help. Not being able to help always frustrates me the most. There is no use pointing out all they have going for them. 1) they already know it and it don't matter, 2) If they listen at all it's only to throw it back twisted as much as suits the current need, 3) You are imformed how you never listen, can't possibly understand and don't have the reasoning power to know what's really important anyway.
Now I know some people who know me and read this are going to go "I know who that is.", well, let me sit them straight right here. You don't know who I'm talking about. Prolly because you don't listen, and you don't understand. And the point of this is not to point fingers or send a message but to get things off my chest. I think to many of us dwell on the negatives. I found myself in a very negative mood earlier.
Simply talking to the one's I love helped alot but I still kept straying toward depression. I'm still not 'un depressed' but doing better. I did this by finding the positives in the negatives. In some cases the negatives turn out not to even be.
One of the best examples has to be my child support issues. Without making this a book the gist is: I volenteered Child Support over 18 years ago and the mother took off and for many years could not be found. Nor my child. Eventually it was becasue I had never tried to hide from my responsibility that I was able to reconnect with my child and I think at this point we have a very good relationship. I count this as a major positive though sometimes I think she disagrees.
The negative side is that because I never hide or dodged my responsibilities, 4 states are currently each trying to collect on my obligations in varing amounts. None will communicate with the other though they all claim this is for the benefit of the child. Financely I'm a wreck and because of the 'dead beat dad' laws I will lose my ability to drive, have lost my passport and may do jail time. All this though I've been paying steadly since she was found. Most recently Michigan became the 4th state to place a claim and they want $408 and change a week. I don't make that much before taxes let alone trying to pay the other claims and medical for my remaining child.
Lawyers either don't want the hassle of dealing with other states or want to charge me to the point I might as well let them have it and hope her mother sees fit to send some back. And let me say here, I don't hold this against her. I don't like what happened but she felt she had to and that's that. It was not such a mess till the burocrats got involved. I feel likes some poor roadside dog strug up as an example to those wolves that actully fight the systems and get away without dealing with there responsibilities.
Why should child enforcement agencies waste time persuing those who are running when they can display someone like me as a successful hunt? Heh, as you can see I'm a bit hot about this. But where I'm going is that despite my feelings, despite the problems I face. My child is worth it. I would go threw this and more if needed to have her in my life. I only hope she knows how much she is loved. How much she is wanted. And I'm only one of several who want her around. I hope she is not one of those who pushes us aside to wallow in the, "my life sucks" group.
I know I'll get thru these issues eventually because I look for the positives. I survived my Grandmothers passing, (she mostly raised me and was more of a mother than the one who bore me), by remembering just how good she was, not perfect, but good. By knowing that the pain she had been in the last few years was now over. By knowing that she moved on to a better place.
The only tear shed was the selfish ones because I would miss her voice and her arms. The positives got me threw. Even the years spent trying to find my child we spent being positive that some day I would find her or she would find me. I recall many times I wanted to quit only to think one positive thought and move on.
Now on a negative note. I'm ranting again. On a positive note. I'm going to stop the rant. :)
Be safe, Be happy, Be well.

5:43am: Mended
Heh, could just leave it at the title but I'm to long winded for that. Even with a peaceful day, lots of sleep, still have a bit to say. Prolly the first thing, My brothers Cat he's had for 12 years passed yesterday morning. Zoso was a fine cat, even liked me occasionally. Even in the last few years, she would come out of hiding when I was there just to say hi. She will be missed.
As noted above, the 'Shroud of Happiness' has been mended, Honesty won out. (Whats with all the poetic pharases lately? Sometimes I feel like my mind is living in a different dimension.) Any way, all is cleared. So much easier to function once assumptions are put away and honest facts are brought to light. I'll admit I have alot of old scars that like to ache now and again when trouble is brewing. Though I'd much rather have the Neon Sign explaning exactly whats up.
Peep and Tom and Seymore are doing well. They have collected 2 new friends who just won't share names. I'd love to stroll back and say hi to Enry but I don't ventur into a gator's territory at night. Even if she is friendly enough during the day. I really need to get back to the country. City life is fine for the young and busy but I'm ready to sit back and watch the rat race rather than be a contestent in it.
I don't think it's asking to much for a few achers, room for a garden/greenhouse and maybe a few chickens and goats. Would love a horse or two but don't want to get to greedy. Maybe a pond with fish. Yea, the list can grow. Couple dogs, a cat or two. Some hedge hogs, a pig or two. (things are always better in pairs) I'd just rather tend to some animals and plants than keep fighting customers and co-workers all the time.
Ah well, time will tell. At least I have daughters that love and respect me and a love to keep me company.
Be safe, be happy, be well.

6:43am: Cleaning.....
Let Me Be!

I just remembered,
Something I’d let slip by.
Things behind the smile,
Tears I cannot cry.

I remember love,
Souls held with care.
Loves lost,
I know not where.

For a time they meant,
The world to me.
Then dumped me naked,
For the world to see.

They walked away,
So easy it seems.
Not a backward glance,
Ignoring my screams.

I’ve scars so deep,
Without blemish or mark.
Heart shattered and broken,
Best left in the dark.

I won’t come back.
No love left for me.
I’ve one little corner,
Please just let me be.

The Cor(igional)ey

I found this as I was cleaning files on my work computer. Written in March of this year. I guess now that the shroud of happiness has it's first tear, fate is pointing to the darkness within. Hopefully I'll mend this before it spreads.
I'm reminded of the lies, the stories, the mixed emotions. I'm one to open my heart and pour out what's inside. I don't handle secrets very well. I don't like games and only play when forced. Someday I'll find simple honesty again.

4:12am: Weekends
Ya'll still reading this thing?

Well, just in case, time to update. This week end was something else. Friday started with mass confusion on transportation schedules. Something so simple, Argggg. As it turned out, things went well 'cept for missing my love. I even had the satisfaction of saying 'I told ya so!' a few times. Saturday was a blur, more attitudes than I care to have around. Felt like just packing up my daughters and my love and hauling out.
But, I figure with Friday and Saturday going so bad. Sunday would be fine. Heh, Yea, right. Everything started late. Did get to spend some time with my girl but I'll tell you, there are times I feel like I live in the middle of a freeway. Wasted most of the day waiting for one daughter to get home. By the time she did it was to late to do anything. Had to deal with neighborhood kids in and out. Gotta love'em but....there are times I just wish I could lock the doors.
Oh, and more attitudes than you can shake a stick at. Fast as one gets taken care of, another pops up. And stories! Heard the same tale told 5 different ways today. Still not sure what that's all about. I hope my love was not scared off by all this. She changed a bit about half way thru the day. Not sure if I opened my mouth at the wrong time or what but suddenly things went a bit cool. She recovered nicely, put in a little extra effort but something is still there. With luck I'll find out befor I'm 90.
And it's Fathers day. No games, or BBQ's or going out to dinner. Just sit back and watch the nasty looks, try to follow attitudes and no one draws blood. One daughter couldn't even say 'Happy Fathers Day' when she called. Just asked for mom and that was that. Another tried so hard to make something special only to have the computer crash and take the work with it. At least I know she tried. And her attitude was the most stable of the bunch for a change. :)
Last daughter did manage a nice card from a site. And I do know they love me. Did get a card from my brothers niece. Nice kid. And one neighbor slipped over because she needed a surragate father while hers was off with his new girl. At least I try to keep my girls involved and with me as much as I can. I have not just dropped them in favor of someone new. Prolly because I plan to keep my lady and want peace betwixt them all. Heh, yea, right. Keep peace in a room full of females. That's like controlling the testosterone levels in a room full of guys and a keg of beer.
Hmmm, suddenly reminded of a cat I used to have. About the only cat that ever had anything to do with me. But I remember the pain when another cat strolled by the window one day. My sweet little kittly suddenly sprouted 6 inch claws and stuck them thru my legs as she arched up to attack. Funny part was the cat outside the window just instinctivly arched and sprouted claws as well. I don't think the outside one even knew why. Hmmm, why does that come to mind?
Oh well, despite the attitudes and all that, was an enjoyable weekend. Had time with my daughters, time with my love. I just wish weekends were longer.
Be safe, Be happy, Be well.

2:30am: Parsley
Hmm, Interesting day. Petty jelousy jumps out again. I need to be in 3 places at one time, and want to be in a 4th, and have to worry about what order to do things in. Who to make wait. Naturally one has to play power trips. I'll be so glad to get out of all that. Finally get a chance to be where I want, with whom I want. Not to mention all this juggling leaves no time for my love.
Friday's are supposed to be spent with those I love. My daughters, (as they are available) and my lady. Instead, I'm left running around the country on a schedule that just don't make sence. If I could get one daughter a little early, then the ex, then the older daughter I'd still have time for my lady. But no. have to follow someone elses plan and ..... I used to love her but lately I just can't wait to get away from her.
Oh, good news, Seymore is back. No word of explination but there he/she was, stalking bugs right in her old spot. Peep is getting fat and Tom has a new bud to chase around. Not sure what his name is yet. Sometimes introductions just never really happen and you have to wait.
I'm just glad to see Seymore, was really getting worried. He/She is just to cute.
Brushed up on my photo editing skills. I've back way off lately. Sort of a pride thing I think. I was the best for a bit. (within my small area of influence) But then my daughter just flew by me. She is so good I just figured, 'Why waste my time when she can do better.'. But had a pic I really wanted touched up. Bit grainy from the light and quality of the camera. Color off balance, that sort of thing. And didn't want to wait for her to have time so fixed it up myself. I'm happy with it anyway.
I'm thinking of getting back into caos scripting and graphics to go with it. Been awhile but there seems to be a revival of creatures and DS so it might be fun. Have a few projects that just never got finished and I've been thinking alot about them lately. Time. I just need more time.

2:43am: Smiles and Giggles
Ok, so that was not my last entry. Guess that on the roller coaster of life that was a bad turn and now I'm climbing the hill for the next run. Finally solved some issues today. Cleared things between people I care so much about. Was nice to see smiles back again.
Feeling a bit strange though. Sort of stuck in a window watching things move by and not quite able to get involved. I stumbled on an oppertunity several months ago and though I did get in and get my feet wet. I backed out before it got to deep. No I stand here knowing that if I just dive in all will be ok yet still fearing it. I really need a push about now.
And the future, never has it scared me and thrilled me as it does now. I see the possibilities, I see the course to get there, but it's almost to good to be true. I feel like one of those maze things we used to do in school where there are 3 paths and one destination. You need to pick the right starting point to get there. And naturally the one that looks the most promising is the wrong one.
Hey, a word of advice. This may come to late for some but always be careful of your choice of words. Sometimes all hell can break loose because of one word used wrong. I'm just glad all involved were big enough to resolve the issue before things got to far gone. Oh, and I'd quote this except I think they were quoting and I get lost from there but anyway.... "Sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than it is to ask permission." ..... Now don't go getting any ideas, that can be abused to easily. But looking at things that way does make it easier as a parent to understand some things kids do.
I finally have a 'normal' pic of my love. One that is not posed but just her being her. I keep it on my desk and it just thrills me every time I look. That smile is something else. And the sparkle in her eye....man, I still don't know how I got so lucky. And I put it here next to those of my daughters and can't help but beam with pride. What a lucky man I am to have this many fine women in my life.
Ok, how come these posts are so screwy. I look back and it's like someone is flicking a light switch. Bright Mood, Dark Mood, Bri.... you get the Idea. If you see someone with a switch in their had and chuckling evily, please smack them for me.
Camping. What's the deal? As a kid that was the best entertainment we could afford. Now, I think of camping and I think of sand in my shorts, bugs in my food and since it always rains, sitting shivering around a drowned campfire. At least there is finally one good thought about camping. Laying snuggled with someone you love watching the stars dance overhead. But I think I could get that in the back yard too. Or better yet. A skylight over the bed.
Thinking of being outside reminds me. If you happen to see a small, beautiful green tree frog who looks a bit lost. See if he/she responds to Seymore. Peep and Tom are getting worried. It's been about a week since anyone has seen Seymore. That last time was just before the storms hit and we think he/she might have hooked up with one of the local squeekers and headed for the pond. Agulara is also missing but that big lizard likes to hide for weeks at a time.
Ah well, enough for now. Hope all are safe and happy.

6:10am: Grrr......
Which way to turn? Which mask should I wear today? I recently read that parents suck. Well, I'm a parent. Should I take that personal? I have parents, I don't agree with alot of what they did, but I do know they did the best they could. I'm not even very happy with them at the moment and I'll still give them the respect they deserve for at least trying. And frankly, I don't think I've turned out all that bad. Despite the errors I feel they made.
I look at my children and know that they spend more time thinking negativly about me than I'd like. But despite the errors I've made, I am very proud of them. They may call me names behind my back. Tell me I'm a fool, an ass or whatever but I did have some influence on they way they have turned out. I like to think they at least learned by my mistakes and that makes them better people.
I love my children. I'd hope they love me as well.

I remember a time as a young man, just 18. Brought home a girl I'd been dating for awhile. She was 18 as well. I lived a couple hours drive from home at that time and because the evening went so well. We decided to spend the night and drive back the next day. My mother had such a fit about me even considering sleeping in the same room with my girl. Mind you this would have been the living room couch. Not much we could have even considered doing beyond sleeping but mom would have nothing to do with it. I ended up sleeping on the floor in my brothers room. Yet just a week later. When mom and her 'friend' came up to visit me, there was no question who was sleeping where and with whom. How dare I consider equality.
That has been a minor sore spot with me for years but recently a situation arose where as a parent I was faced with a similar issue. Keeping in mind my previous situation and feelings on the subject. I did not raise a fuss. Took into account my childs happiness vs. risk of letting her be happy and did not have a problem. But because I kiss my love in public I'm an ass. Just don't seem right to me.
I'm ready to crawl back in my shell. Retreat to my room and only come out when I must. I spent alot of time saftly in there but was cajoled, bribed and teased out. Only to find it's exactly what I expeceted out here. Moments of joy smothered in hours of regret. I really miss that seclusion. I was mostly ignored unless someone needed what only I could give. Or at least was willing to give. And now, even the moments of joy are tainted with regret because someone takes issue with me being happy.
And while I'm at it, why does everyone lean on me, talk to me about problems and issues and yet I'm left talking to a machine that will betray my thoughts to the next person to waste their time reading my drivel? I love to help people. I feel good when I can help them feel good. Yet no one has the time to listen to me. Let me lean alittle now and then. In some cases I can't get a word out edgewise, in others, they listen to just enough to pick out something and then pounce tell me how wrong I am, how I just don't understand. How blind I am. Or the just let me talk and don't respond at all.
That's another thing. How can someone trust me enough to want to marry me, and yet can't tell me what they think? I've never been one to thing women are dumb but I'm so tired of asking what's up, or what they are thinking or what they want and getting a response of 'nothing'. At least I have one that warned me first. But I can still see in their eyes that there is alot more than 'nothing' going on.
And what's with this guilt trip issue? I say something and I'm trying to play a guilt trip on someone. Even just expressing myself will get someone pissed because I'm playing a guilt trip. Yet they express and that's just fine. They don't play that game. Ok, lets go silent then. Nope, I'm playing other guilt trip. They go silent and they are just thinking. About what? 'Nothing.'
Well, guess I'll be in deep doo over this one. May be my last entry anyway. Bye.